True Stories, Pt. 1: “Back in ´95…”


Holla-Loo-Yah!

Wuz crackalackin‘ all ya cats out there. You know your Pimp is a man of few words, so let me get to the point real quick, digginit?
The Pimp is about to shed some light on an event that occurred waaaay back, 1995 to be exact. Some of ya might still remember these times….back then, Soulja Boys was crankin’ whatever Barney the Friendly Dinosaur told him to…Eminem would still ask a playa if he would like fries with his happy meal…Biggie just dropped Ready To Die a year ago…and Death Row was the crew you would wanna hang with on the West Coast.

Stranded on Death Row
Well, as chance would have it, the Pimp was just residing in LA. You know, makin’ some real nasty-ass hood rats turn tricks n shit, nuthin’ to tubular. I got me one of these ill Impala Coupés, all candied up, can you dig it? So the Pimp was ridin’ round the hood with a bunch of bitches in the backseat, finally ending up in one of these raggedy-assed night clubs that pop up everywhere and get closed down 2 weeks later cuz a bunch of goons went al-Qaida up in this bitch, nahmean? Whatever, the Pimp was truckin’ in this motherfucker, suddenly spotting the whole Death Row crew in the V.I.P. section. The Pimp gotta keep kinda calm ‘bout the further details, so long story short: Pimp walked straight into the V.I.P., had a lil’ talk with Suge and got signed to Death Row that night.


The photo shoot
Imma be real with you cats, Pimp wasn’t even an ill MC. Suge was just kinda stunned by the Pimp’s swag (no homo), so ‘bout 2 weeks later he called up my mobile phone  - them mofuckers were ‘bout as big as Selena Gomez back in the day - to holla at a Pimp bout this photo shoot, can you dig it? Aight, got in my Impala headin’ right to this warehouse. The Pimp was last to hit the spot, so as a pimp of good breeding I was just goin for a stroll, sayin’ “Whassup” do errbody, right? First there’s Dr. Dre, chillaxin’ on a wooden box - quick nod, we’re aight.
Next I see Snoop in the corner, right? By the way, did you cats notice how everyone who tells you about meeting the Doggfather is mentioning right at the start how Snoop was high as hell? Mofucka, you ain’t need to mention this. Only person to ever witness Snoop not being high was the delivery nurse for about 5 seconds after his birth. When you tell a mofucka ‘bout meeting Perez Hilton, you ain’t mentioning that he was acting “kinda gay”. Dig what I’m sayin’?
Well aight, the Pimp was exchanging high (digging it?) fives with Snoop real quick, then head over to Suge. Mofucker was on some New Jack City mobster shit that day, with the purple silk shirt and one of these Goochie derby hats. See, Pimp ain’t tryna front but Suge is kinda chubby and the hat was making him look like fuckin’ Mr. Potato Head.



I’m sexy and I know it (no homo)
After the photographer convinced Suge to take of his stupid ass hat we were ready to take the pictures. Everyone knows the famous Death Row pic, but few cats ever seen the original copy – so here it is.


Radical, I know. But Suge didn’t really think so, mofucker started to get all twitchy n shit, complaining how his neck rolls were stickin’ out, how someone in this picture was makin’ him look fat. C’mon son. You ain’t getting’ buff by using Vanilla Ice as a free weight, can you dig it? You tryna bulk up by liftin’ broke ass rappers over the balcony of your hotel suite, playa?
They went on to take a few more shots, but Suge was getting even more pissed - so after 5 minutes, Daddy pork chops was kickin’ ey’body out the building.
Pimp was mackin’ n shit when I got my final call by some Death Row employee. Mofucker told the Pimp that he was out and they replaced me with some guynamed 2Pac. You know, back then the Pimp was more into Ace of Base and shit and hadn’t heard of playboy before – but this be what the final pic looked like:

 

Peace & Harmony